The Party Years: How I Silenced My Intuition Without Even Knowing It

Despite what I wrote in my last blog, finding my intuition wasn’t exactly instant.
I didn’t move out of my parents’ house and immediately blossom into the grounded, intuitive healer I am today.


Not even close.

By the time I started university, the rebellion was already brewing. After years of strict rules and emotional tension at home, I was ready to stretch my wings, and maybe a few boundaries, too.

Enter: the party years.

I dove headfirst into the underground rave scene. Toronto warehouses, European dance parties, California festivals, secret meetups, calling mysterious phone numbers to find out where that night’s event would be. We’d dance until sunrise, sometimes longer, then recover until Wednesday and start the whole process again on Friday. It was a rhythm of freedom, music, and neon chaos.

If this were a movie, this is where you’d see a montage: flashing lights, laughter, glow sticks, thumping bass, and me — dancing, laughing, fully alive.

Looking back, I explored whether I was numbing trauma — but honestly, I don’t think I was. I’ve always had an adventurous, playful streak, and that part of me was finally unleashed. After years of tight control, the taste of freedom was intoxicating all on its own.

But here’s the thing, while my outer world was alive with noise and colour, my inner world was eerily quiet. My intuition, that subtle whisper I’d later come to rely on, was completely drowned out by the beat. I didn’t even realize she was missing.

Between parties, I started feeling low, that post-adrenaline crash that felt deeper than just exhaustion. My doctor prescribed antidepressants (it was the 90s; that was practically a reflex). That was short-lived. I went back to “self-regulating,” though at the time, that mostly meant swinging between highs and lows without really understanding why.

On paper, everything looked good. I had a degree, a promising career with a great company, a loving relationship. So why did I still feel… flat?


Now I see it clearly: all my happiness came from external things - attention, approval, excitement, stimulation. If someone gave me validation, I bloomed; if they withdrew it, I wilted. My emotional world was powered entirely by other people’s energy.

The intuitive side of me, the quiet inner compass, was on mute. I was living entirely in the 3D world, and for a while, it worked.

Until it didn’t.

Somewhere around the age of 30, my body - that wise messenger, created a mild but persistent physical issue. And, in the way life loves to conspire, that’s what led me to my first energy healer. I had no idea at the time that I was about to reopen the channel to the very thing I’d spent years drowning out.

But that’s a story for the next post…

A Lesson from the Dance Floor

Sometimes we have to lose our own rhythm to discover the one that truly belongs to us.
My party years were full of laughter, freedom, and connection, but they also showed me what happens when we turn down our inner volume to chase the outer noise.

Eventually, the music stops. And if you’re lucky, that’s when you finally start to hear yourself again.